Sunburst
by PopcornMaster
Summary: In a desperate attempt to save herself and her companions, Hawke resorts to using blood magic, for which Justice tries to kill her. How does one forgive the unforgivable? (Takes place during and after Dissent, Anders companion quest in act 2.)


Autumn was surrounded, pressed into a corner by four templars with no way out. Her staff lay torn from her grasp behind them and she would be cut down before she could reach it if she tried. Her companions fought behind them, engaging the rest of the templars and she caught Anders' amber eyes for a moment. He tried to get to her, but his way was cut off by two templars. She had no way out. She had no choice.

In one fluid motion she pulled a small dagger from the belt around her thigh and crudely cut into her dark flesh. Immediately a familiar sensation rushed over her as the blood drawn from her wound began to swirl and dance around her arm, and Autumn no longer felt weak and helpless.

"Blood mage!" one of the templars cried and instantly rushed towards her, only to be halted as he lost his control over his own body to her and her growing power. As much as she hated what this forbidden magic allowed her to do, a small part of her liked the strength and power it gave her. The power to control another's mind and body.

The feeling that rushed over her as she made the templar turn on one of his brothers-in-arms was one of satisfaction, and every fibre of her being would be disgusted with herself but it was as if another Autumn took over her, the darkest parts of herself creeping forward and enjoying the blood being spilt before her eyes as she watched the templars cut down their enthralled companion at the behest of her will, while his blood was boiling under his skin.

With another fluid movement the dagger cut open a new wound on her forearm; she drew more power from the pain and turned on the three remaining templars in front of her. She could _feel_ their blood flowing through their veins.

She raised her arms in front of her and as she tightly balled her hands into fists their blood began to seep out of their every pore. The templars wailed in anguish in front of her, and her breath became elevated, the exhilaration clawing under her skin.

As the last of the templars fell, joining his dead brethren on the cold ground an icy laughter escaped her throat. She walked out of the corner and over their dead bodies, reaching down to pick her staff up from the blood soaked earth and in one swift movement she sent a fireball hurtling at the nearest templar, sending him crashing to the ground with a loud grunt. As he turned to his back, stumbling to get up again, she recognized the face of the man who had threatened the young mage just minutes ago, and her mind filled with images of him choking on his own blood. Without even being aware of it, she hissed his name. "Ser Alrik."

"Maleficarum," he hissed back as he got up on his feet.

They stared each other down for not a moment before he charged at her, swinging his blade in an attempt to separate her head from her shoulders. But where his thick templar armour was heavy and slowed his movements, her robes allowed her freedom and speed, and she elegantly avoided his attack with a step forward, getting inside his guard and burying her blade in his neck. As she felt his warm blood spray across her face and saw the look of utter surprise in his eyes, her lips stretched into a grin, and she twisted the dagger further into his neck, drawing a last painful shriek from his throat before he fell to the ground and bled to death.

Autumn pulled the blade from Ser Alrik's body and as he fell onto the ground, the cloud of blood magic was lifted from her mind. Across the cavern floor laid a dozen dead templars, but none looked as drained and tortured as the ones that had been touched by her blood magic. And then she saw it. The look on her companions' faces as they now knew what she really was.

Her grin faded. She felt sick. Her stomach twisted and churned and she fell to her hands and knees, throwing up the contents of her stomach. Tears were burning behind her eyes as she wiped vomit from her lips, the taste of gall strong in her mouth. What they must think of her now. She glanced up at them through her bangs, tried to read the expression on Isabela's face, on Varric's… she had to say something.

"I-" Autumn's words were abruptly cut short when Anders tightly gripped her shoulder and pulled her up on her feet again, slamming her hard into the stone wall behind them. The air around him was thick with magic, and it was not his usually warm, amber eyes that met her golden eyes, but bright blue ones, as the spirit of Justice had won control over his body.

"_Maleficar!_" he roared with a voice like thunder, and released his grip on her robes only to tightly wrap his hand around her throat. "_You would use forbidden magic to gain power?_"

"Take it easy there, Blondie." Varric stepped towards the two of them, Bianca still in his hands. "You-"

"_Do not interfere, dwarf,_" Justice snarled, but made no effort to even look in his direction, his eyes still fixed on Autumn. "_She is a blood mage and must pay for her actions._" His grip got even tighter around her neck and she tried her best to get free she gasped for air.

Anders screamed and clawed, locked inside his own body, not being able to do anything but watch as Justice squeezed the life out of her. Nothing he said calmed the spirit, but only seemed to make him more determined to kill Hawke.

"_You endanger all mages even as you claim their side! There is no better way to ensure mages will never be free._"

"A-Anders… please…" she gasped, her voice barely even a whisper, and even through eyes clouded by Justice's fury, Anders could see tears welling up in her eyes, and he begged the spirit to stop this.

"_Your pleas do not move me,_" Justice retorted, letting go of his hold on her, Autumn collapsing down against the wall, her hands covering the bruise that was already starting to show against her dark skin on her neck, and she drew a deep, unsteady breath.

Anders knew the spirit would show her no mercy, and desperately tried to gain control of his own body again, before it was too late, but no matter his efforts, his limbs would not listened as Justice raised his arms, an orb of spirit energy forming between his hands.

"_You are nothing more than a distraction that I will free Anders from._"

Everything was being drowned out by Justice's fury. He could barely hear Isabela and Varric calling out for him to stop, and the woman before him was nothing but a blur.

Then there was a moment of clarity. He caught her eyes just before she closed them, the energy in the air had her ebony hair softly dancing around her face and for the first time he saw what had always been hidden below her dark bangs; the pale red scar of the sunburst marking that was burned onto every forehead of a mage made tranquil.

"Maker, no!"

Blue flames flared around him as he gained control over himself again, or maybe it was Justice that retreated back in shock after what they had seen, Anders wasn't sure. He stumbled backwards, covering his face, but the image of the tranquil mark branded on Autumn's forehead was etched into his mind.

"Anders…" Autumn called out softly, her voice low and hoarse after the chokehold he had held on her, and he looked up, finding Varric and Isabela at her side. "Anders…"

"I almost…" Anders said, his voice barely louder than a whisper, and he couldn't… "I-I need to get out of here."

Autumn hadn't left her mansion for several days. After what had happened in the tunnels under the Gallows, she couldn't bring herself to face her friends, if she were even allowed to call them such. By now they must all have heard what had happened, and what she had done. Just imagining what they must think of her made her stomach coil. Aveline already knew, having witnessed her powers during their escape from Lothering, and Merrill might understand, but what of the others? What would Sebastian think? And Fenris might cut her down as surely as the templars would, if he even were in Kirkwall still after hearing the news.

But worst of all was wondering what Anders must think of her now. Justice almost killed her when he found out, and if she were to be honest she didn't know why Anders had stopped the spirit. A part of her wished he hadn't, because then it would at least be over.

She sighed and looked up from the web of permanent scars that blood magic had left on her forearms and out the window as she tried to push away those thoughts, looking up at the velvet night sky. She had to survive, if not for anything else then at least for her mother.

She worried, of course, but her mother always worried. Autumn couldn't bring herself to tell her what was bothering her. She had sworn to herself never to tell her mother what she truly was – she didn't need to bear the burden of knowing her daughter was a blood mage.

Banging on the front door caused her to jolt and a thousand different thoughts filled her mind, but only one lingered. Was it the templars that finally came to bring her to the Circle, or would they execute her where she stood?

Autumn's golden eyes followed Bodahn as he disappeared into the foyer, and she could hear him open the front door. She could hear muffled speech, but even as she moved closer to the railing she could not make out any words, nor could she hear who it was he was speaking to. A moment later the door closed, and the dwarf entered the great hall again, heading for the stairs but stopped when he saw her.

"Ah! You are still awake, messere?" he said, with a gentle smile curving his mouth.

She swallowed hard and wrapped her arms around herself. "Yes. Who was it at the door?" Her heart pounded so hard inside her chest, for fear of what his next words would be, that she had barely even heard her own voice as she spoke.

"Master Anders, messere," he replied, "He wishes to speak with you."

Her heart stopped and she turned her gaze to the door just as Anders entered the great hall. His eyes locked onto hers and it felt like her blood turned into ice in her veins. She couldn't move and she couldn't look away.

Bodahn looked back at Anders and then to her again, clasping his hands together. "I will take my leave then, messere." He turned to the man behind him once more, giving him a short nod, before waking Sandal, who had fallen asleep by his enchantment apparatus, and leaving with him. Anders watched the two dwarves leave through the door, and then turned his eyes back to her.

They stood there in silence for a long time, just looking at each other, her mind filling with excuses for why she had done what she had and apologizes she couldn't word, until she finally caved in under his gaze and looked away.

It was he who finally broke the silence. "Can I come up?"

Autumn looked back to him, surprised that he actually waited for her to reply, and nodded slowly. "Yes." She paused for a moment and saw him moving towards the stairs. "We'll go to my room, so we won't be disturbed."

She didn't wait for him to respond, but walked into the room and over to the hearth, hearing his footsteps on the stone floor as he came in behind her, and then watched his back as he closed the door behind them.

After a moment of silence he asked in a low voice, "Blood magic, Hawke?" His back was still turned to her and his hand still on the door handle.

Autumn exhaled slowly and turned to the fire that was crackling before her. "I know there's no good reason for what I did."

"Then why?" She could see Anders turn to her in the corner of her eye. "You know that it's the reason no mage in Thedas is trusted, so how could you resort to blood magic?"

Her eyebrows furrowed together and she wrapped her arms tighter around herself, feeling her old scars under her fingers. "I panicked. I was so scared and…" She swallowed hard. "I don't know what I can say that would be adequate to explain my actions."

"Try."

She looked up from the fire, seeing him stand no more than three feet from her, and flinched, not realizing how close he had come to her. "I…" He was looking down at her arms and she cursed herself for not wearing something long-sleeved, for standing so close to the fire that even the tattoos she had gotten to cover them up couldn't hide the scars from his gaze. "I wasn't ever going to give in again after escaping Lothering. All that power… it turns me into someone else and I don't like who I become, but I become stronger."

Autumn looked down on her arms, holding them out in front of her so he could see every pale white line against her dark skin. They would never fully disappear, even with healing magic. Such was the scars of blood magic. "The first time I ever…" She let her fingers run over the longest and deepest of the scars, the first wound she ever inflicted on herself for blood magic. It still hurt at times after all these years. "I did it to…" She paused, her breath hitched in her throat and she felt tears prick at her eyes. She had never talked to anyone about this before. "I did it to save someone I loved."

Anders placed his hand over the scar, closing the space between them with another step towards her, his warmth spread through her skin as his thumb followed the ragged line. "Who?"

She bowed her head, closing her eyes to try and keep the tears away, but her trembling voice betrayed her feelings. "My… father."

He cupped her cheek with his other hand, bringing her face up again and she met his light brown eyes, his brow creased with concern. "What happened?"

Images of a day she thought she had since long buried within herself flashed before her eyes as vividly as if she was there again, watching herself make the greatest mistake of her life, and she could no longer keep the tears from falling.

"It was my fault," Autumn whimpered and she knew that Anders would never look at her the same way again she told him, but she couldn't keep it hidden any longer. "He was trying to save me from myself. I didn't want to hide anymore. My magic scared me and I just wanted to be normal… I…" She reached up to cover her face, all the shame and all the pain resurfacing. "I went to the templars, asked them to take me to the Circle. They said they had to make sure I wasn't possessed first, and like a fool I believed them. When my father found us, they were in the middle of the Rite of Tranquility." She pulled away her ebony hair that was covering her forehead, revealing the brand that she kept hidden to all.

"Autumn…"

She looked up at Anders - he had never used her given name before. Empathy was written in furrowed brow and his light brown eyes. He wiped away a tear from her cheek and she leaned into the palm of his hand.

"A demon offered to teach me the forbidden arts when I was trapped in the Fade and I refused, but when I came to and saw father get cut down, blood magic was the only way I could kill the last of the templars," she said, her voice thick with grief, and he could see her shame written all over her face. "But it was too late. I couldn't save him."

Anders cupped her cheeks with both hands, cradling her face, trying to find words but none were good enough. He had never realized what it would be like to grow up with magic outside the Circle, even when you had a parent to teach you to control your gift. It didn't change his mind about the Circle, but maybe… He brushed away her bangs, traced the sunburst mark with his fingertips and he felt Justice stir anxiously inside him. He tried his hardest to supress the spirit inside him.

Autumn closed her eyes, felt a shiver travel down her spine as he traced the scar. "They would've been right to make me tranquil. I'm a danger to everyone. To those I seek to protect more than anyone. Blood magic has never helped me." She opened her eyes again and looked into his. She placed her hand over his, gently pulling it away from her cheek. "It would've been easier for everyone if you had just killed me."

"You're wrong," he said, tightening his hand around hers, "It wouldn't be easier for me."

Her eyes widened as she looked up at him and she felt her heart race.

Her hand reached up to touch his cheek and her eyes fluttered shut as she leaned in and pressed her lips against his. The kiss was tentative, despite the urgency that pounded inside her veins. His stubble scratched roughly against her chin, but his lips were softer against hers than she could have imagined.

He pulled away, his eyes wide with surprise as he looked at her and she felt her cheeks burning with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…" Autumn took a step back and wished that a hole would open up in the floor and swallow her whole. She was such a fool to think that he would feel that way for her, especially after what she had just told him.

"No, I…" Anders shook his head slowly and sighed heavily. "You don't want to do this. I have no control around you." He reached up to push her hair behind her ear. "I never thought I'd meet a mage like you. Another apostate. Don't tempt me. Not unless you're ready for what that means."

Autumn reached up and placed her hand over his, turning her face slightly into his palm, still looking into his light brown eyes. Her heart was pounding so hard inside her chest she thought it would explode. "I have never felt this way about anyone before."

He traced the line of her tattoo with his thumb, pausing when it reached the corner of her mouth. Her skin felt so very warm under his hand. "When I was in the Circle, love was only a game. It gave the templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose." He closed his eyes and turned his face away from her. "It would kill me to lose you."

She squeezed his hand tightly, stepping closer towards him and placed her free hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat under her palm. "You aren't going to lose me."

Anders opened his eyes again, meeting her gaze; the golden orbs even brighter in the light from the fire. "No mage I know have ever dared to fall in love. This is the rule I will most cherish breaking." He pulled her to him and his lips captured hers, tasting her once more. He felt her smile against his lips. How he had ached for the touch of her lips against his, to feel her hand reach in under his robe, her fingertips touching the skin of his neck with such caution. He traced her lower lips with his tongue, asking for entrance.

Then there was a shyness over her as she suddenly pulled away over her that he didn't expect. She looked down on his chest, her cheek flushed and she was fingering the hem of his robe nervously.

"Autumn?" he asked, lifting her face up to his again.

"It's just that… I don't have a lot of experience with…" she replied in a voice barely above a whisper, and Anders knew – he didn't need to ask, he simply _knew_ – that she had never done this before.

He gently cupped her cheek and pulled her into a kiss. "We can stop whenever you want," he said, soft and soothing against her lips. "Just tell me if I do anything you don't like."

Her lips curved into a soft smile and she pressed her forehead to his. "No, I..." She paused for a bit, licking her lips slowly, thinking about her words carefully before continuing in a voice he had never heard from her before, "I want you."

"Autumn," he breathed, closing his eyes and pulling her to him again, taking her mouth in a kiss that was much more urgent than the ones they had shared before. She stiffened in surprise, but only for a moment, and in the next she opened to the kiss with a moan that nearly undid him completely.

She tore at his robe, groaning against his mouth as she tried to remove the piece of clothing, but kept fumbling with the buckles holding it together and he couldn't help but to chuckle at her frustration before helping her. When the last clasp was undone, she slid her hands under it, pushing it off his shoulders and it fell to the floor with a low thud.

Autumn wrapped her arms around his shoulders, leading him towards the bed, and pulled away from him, leaving him feeling bereft when she climbed onto the bed and laid down on her back, her golden eyes having gone dark, almost all pupil, as she looked up at him. Quickly he draped himself over her, kneeling between her thighs to better lean over her, eager to continue their kiss. He put his hand on her thigh, guiding her leg around his waist as he traced her lower lip with his tongue, and she opened up to him once more.

She placed her hands on the small of his back, lifting his shirt up and their lips parted long enough for her to pull it over his head. He trailed her jaw with feather kisses as his hand travelled up from her thigh to her waist, sliding it under her tunic, feeling warm skin and muscles tighten under his touch. A muffled moan escaped her mouth as he cupped her breast, thumbing her nipple gently. With his lips pressed against her ear Anders whispered, "Don't hold your voice back. Let me hear you."

He drew another moan from her, nipping at the part of her skin where her neck met her jaw, and to his great pleasure she didn't restrain her voice this time.

Autumn ran her fingers through his hair, pulling out the band that kept his hair pulled back, her nails gently scraping down his neck, sending shivers through his spine as she pressed her whole body against his.

He turned them over so that she was straddling him, and pulled her down to kiss her, his hand fisting in her ebony hair. When she pulled away, sitting up, he reached up to pull her down again, but in one swift movement she pulled her tunic over her head, letting it fly to the floor behind her as she watched him watch her.

Tattoos snaked up along her arms and over her chest. The black ink against the dark canvas that was her skin was so soft he almost believed they were as natural as the birthmarks that dotted her skin. He couldn't take his eyes off her, wanting to memorize every curve and line on her body.

Anders realized he had been staring too long when she laughed nervously, reaching up to cover herself, and he sat up, snaking his hand into her hair and pulling her into a soft kiss. She kissed him back, and her arms wrapped around him tentatively once more. He kissed his way down her neck, leaving a burning trail down to her breast. She let out a delicious moan as his mouth closed around her nipple, and he felt his breeches growing uncomfortably tight.

His hands travelled down her back, his fingers hooking into the waistband of her leggings and slowly pulling them down over her hips.

"Anders…" she breathed as he lavished attention on her other breast.

He turned them over again, gently laying her down on her back before pulling her leggings off slowly, kissing his way from her abdomen down her thigh as he did, causing Autumn to whimper and writhe under him. He threw her leggings to the floor before turning back to her once more, propping himself on his elbow and leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on her lips. "We can still stop if you want to," he whispered breathlessly against her.

"Don't you dare," she growled in response, pulling him down and kissed him roughly, biting his lower lip and then licking away the sting.

He smiled against her lips, deepening the kiss. His hand slowly travelled down her side and in between her thighs. She gasped breathlessly as a finger probed gently. He watched her eyes flutter shut, breathing his name, and he didn't ever want to take his eyes off her. Another finger joined the first, and Autumn rolled her hips and moaned.

Anders leaned in, trailing her jaw with his tongue, and continued down her throat, kissing his way down, tasting a tang of sweat on her skin. As his mouth joined his fingers between her thighs, alternating between kisses and teasing her gently with his tongue, her whole body shuddered violently and her hands fisted in his hair. She cried out his name, her back arching as his fingers curled inside her warmth, working out every moan and cry out of her as he took her over the edge.

He slowly pulled his fingers out of her, placing a gentle kiss on the inside of her thigh before inching up to Autumn again and laid down next to her, watching her breathe heavily, pushing her hair away from her face and placing soft, small kisses on her forehead, her cheeks and her mouth.

Autumn lazily opened her eyes again and smiled softly at him, turning to him and reaching up to run her fingers through his hair, pulling him down into a kiss and pressing her whole body against him. When she pressed her thigh against his erection pushing at the front of his breeches and he let out a low growl. He had to take a deep breath to restrain himself from pinning her under himself and have his way with her. He cupped her cheeks and pressed his forehead to hers, breathing in her smell. "We'll stop here," he whispered huskily.

She looked at him, confusion written in her eyes and creased brow. "Why?"

He kissed her tenderly and smiled softly as he replied, "I don't want to rush you."

Autumn placed her hand on his chest and pulled away, not more than an inch, looking into his eyes. "I want to, Anders," she said softly, brushing a strand of hair away from his face.

"You're certain?" he asked, desperately clinging to what was left of his self-control.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a kiss that showed him she was filled with as much desire and want as he was, and then whispered hoarsely against his lips, "Yes."

Anders claimed her lips again, blanketing himself over her. When he pulled back and got up on his knees to kick off his boots, she followed him, placing scorching kisses on his chest as she helped him undo his breeches. Her fingers fumbled, ripping at the belt holding them up too fast and without tearing her eyes away from his, but finally it came undone and she pushed them down over his hips, and he managed to tear himself away from her for a moment to take them off completely.

When he turned to her again, her cheeks had gotten a shade darker, and the flush was spreading across her shoulders and chest. He leaned in, capturing her lips once more as he draped himself over her. His hair fell in a curtain around their faces, and she tentatively brushed with her fingers over his chest.

He lowered himself, allowing them to be even closer, and moved ever so slowly into her, feeling her warmth envelop him, Autumn gasping as he filled her. Seated as deep as he possibly could be, he paused; just lying there for a few moments with his face nestled to her neck, allowing her to get used to the sensation.

When she started shifting slowly under him, arching her back and pressing herself to him, he started moving at a soft pace. He heard her draw a gasping breath and then holding it in, so he tilted his head up and whispered to her with hips lips pressed to her ears, "_Breathe, Autumn,_" and she exhaled, slowly and shaky, a soft moan escaping her lips, leaving a fire that spread through his body from where her lips were pressed against his neck.

Autumn slid her hand up, running her fingers through his hair with such caution and tenderness it made his heart race even faster, her coyness driving him mad, and he turned his face to hers, claiming her lips with his own, drawing out a wonderful moan as he thrust into her.

Everything became a blur of _Autumn_ and _want_, he could not think past her hands spread over his back and the way she softly moaned his name over and over. He couldn't seem to remember how to speak, so he replied with feather light kisses.

Her body shifted slightly as she wrapped her legs up higher around his waist and he could feel that he was just moments away from coming undone in her embrace. He pressed his face against her neck, his teeth scraping gently against her throat. He began sucking hard at the soft spot where her neck met her shoulders, feeling her nails dig into his skin as he did, and he felt that she was as close as he was.

He ran his hand through her hair and cradled her neck, his thumb brushing against her lips before he claimed them in a kiss once more.

"Anders…" she whimpered breathlessly against his lips and she clung tightly to him as she climaxed, and it was only a matter of moments before he fell over the edge as well, white stars spotting his vision as he came undone, filling her with his seed.

He collapsed against her, still inside her, breathing heavily and felt gentle fingers comb lazily through his damp hair. He closed his eyes and gently wrapped his arm around her, pulling her with him as he turned to his side, their legs entangling.

"I love you," she murmured softly, her voice no louder than a breath, and he opened his eyes to meet hers, not sure if it was only his imagination until she repeated the words, just as quietly as the first time. "I love you, Anders."

He felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth and he brushed her dark hair away from her face and pulled her into a soft kiss. "I love you," he whispered against her lips. "I've been holding back from saying that. You should have a normal life, not be tied down to a fugitive with no future."

Autumn leaned her forehead against his, dragging her fingers over his wrist, gently turning into his hand and kissed his palm. "If I am to choose between a normal life and you," she spoke with her lips pressed to his fingertips, "I will always choose you."

Anders slid his hand over her shoulder and down her back, resting it at the small of her back, his smile widening. "Do you mean that? Would you have me here, living with you?" he asked. "Would you tell the world, the knight-commander, that you love an apostate and you will stand beside him?"

"Yes," she answered, nodding slowly as she inched closer to him, shyly smiling back, "I don't ever want to let you go."

He captured her lips in a brief kiss, and murmured against her lips, "For three years, I have lain awake every night, aching for you." Her smile widened as she met his gaze again, and her fingers intertwined with his hair. "I'm still terrified I'll wake up."


End file.
